Just an unimportant update

Hello you,

It have been ages (exaggerated) since we last met! So where should I start?

Life, I guess it was okay so far. Nothing new; same old, same old. What made it so exciting these days are my "trying-to-conquer-Asia" kinda thing. I have been travelling quite a lot these days. I went to Nagoya and Osaka last November, then to Lombok and Bali on December and I went to Siem Reap last March. I am having such a good time visiting other places, learning their cultures and meeting new people. I guess slowly I am getting out of my comfort zone. It was fun! And I am looking forward for my next trip to Seoul and Tokyo on September.

Work, still surviving. Despite all those drama and dissatisfaction, I guess I am still coping. There were times that I feel like giving up, but I still going through it. I keep reminding myself that it is just a job. Not to say that I am not ambitious or anything like that. It is just shits happen everyday; like it or not. So it is either you take it personally or just f*** it and move on. I choose to f*** it and move on; obviously.Until who knows when.

Friends, I'll try to keep it simple and intimate. I am only keeping those who are real and deserves it. As time goes by, I am sure you all will learn to appreciate and to keep what/ who is necessary in your life. Less hassle, less drama, less headache. So, I am fine with having just a number of friends who I can really call a REAL friends. How lucky am I?

Love, I wish I do not have to go there. But there were times its just feels like I am missing something somewhere. I don't actually give up. I tried to be more flamboyant and meeting other people. But, it came to a point where I started to compare and missing what I used to have before. Even when I tried to open 'the door', the one person that I truly wanted doesn't even come. Long stories for a short period of time. I might share it sooner or later. But for now, I just miss the feeling to be in love. To be deeply in love.

So I guess those would summed up what had happened so far. There were more, but I am just out of words.

Until we meet again...

Here goes nothing

Twisted.

Back where we started.

Back & Forth

Once in a while I feel like migrating. I feel like moving on to a different place, to live in a new environment. I want to taste how does it feel to be a brand new person in a brand new place; where no one knows who I am and what I have been through in the past. I can't be reborn. So I suggested myself I should just leave this place and keep going until I reach another destination. Somewhere far away from here, somewhere  unfamiliar; some other place where I can be a new 'me', meeting new people; getting new chances and living with new hope. I dreamed a lot about it these days.

But in reality, I am stuck. I can barely even move an inch. Why do I keep wondering here; the place that I am no longer belong to. I am unwanted here.

I packed my stuff and I have actually left. I have walked a few spots and ran a few miles. But somehow I am back where I began. Is there some sort of strong magnetic power here that drag me back into the circle whenever I try to escape?

Why am I still here? Can I just leave and move on? What exactly am I hoping for?  I hate feeling like this! Not knowing if I should actually stay or should I just go. Why do I have to keep questioning myself again? Do what my heart says? That really does not work at all; believe me.

Maybe I still have feeling for this place; regardless those cracks on the walls and those broken glasses. I still somehow love it here.

Do I really have to go?

On track

I guess I should go back on track. Perhaps I am ready physically and mentally.

I got excited since yesterday. It was nothing much actually. But I think it is a start.

Shall I start the engine and drive safely now? 

I hope I will get to the destination that I have always wanted.

Wish me luck!

Coming soon

Saya bukan heartless.

Pernah terfikir untuk jadi numb sampai orang kata aku heartless. Aku bukan heartless. Way the opposite, actually. Aku masih punya perasaan la. After all, aku manusia biasa macam kamu semua. I am not dead inside. Cuma I still need those hypodermic syringe yang akan menyuntik aku with those feelings yang usually buat aku stoned. I am still the same old me. Cuma few changes here and there untuk buat aku lebih matured. 

As a person aku memang punya tahap ego, tapi tidak setinggi yang kamu sangkakan. I am still easy to melt. Life ini mungkin complicated. Tapi I am easy to pleased. Cuma at this point, more efforts are needed to gain whatever that you are expecting from me. Trust perhaps.

Aku masih hopeless romantic. Jiwa aku masih penuh dengan perasaan to love and be love. Masih mencari those who I can share almost everything with. Aku cuba deny atau tolak tepi soal perasaan. Tapi aku tidak give up 100%. Who would ever want to be alone? Mungkin aku masih menanti sesuatu with more positive opportunity yang juga mungkin menghasilkan positive outcome. Bukan bermaksud aku making a big deal out of a small thing. Its just human fact. Aku just perlu satu keyakinkan diri yang pada mana both of us are M.F.E.O.

No! Big talks doesn't turn me on. Yes! Those crappy cheap talk bothers me a lot. Well, sweet talks still melt me a little bit. But, it is more realistic talks will always win and which is something I've been looking forward to. Even if we do all the talking, that will still be not enough. You need actions and efforts to get what you want. 

Aku sendiri masih berusaha and looking for a great day ahead. Aku pasti someway, somehow those what I am looking for masih exist and available for me.

.

I have lost track of time.

I wish you were here.

Relationship Perfection

• HONESTY It is clear that honesty is vital to the health of all relationships. Mutual trust, openness, and understanding are the key contributors to feelings of relationship and intimacy. Conversely it is very hard to be in a relationship with a person who distorts or withholds information critical to that relationship.

• LOYALTY Loyalty means devoted commitment that cannot be broken easily. To be loyal, means to adhere to all the promises made for the lifetime. Loyalty is rather a very easy word but a very laudable quality that is difficult to keep for a lot many people. If I commit to someone about my relationship and that person goes broke after sometime, does not mean that I will look for richer persons. Every relationship rests on trust and truth. If the relationship began with lies, it can never sustain. The foundation is of lies. How truth can grow from the seed of lie? The first need or requirement of going in a long-term relationship is to be truthful in all respects. Fooling others into believing untruths is a sin.

• PASSION The feeling physically aroused and attracted to someone. Passion is what makes you feel "in love" and is the feeling most associated with love. It also rises quickly and strongly influences and biases your judgment.

• INTIMACY The feeling close and connected to someone (developed through sharing and very good communications over time). Intimacy is what makes you want to share and offer emotional and material support to each other.

• COMMITMENT/ RESPONSIBILITY Pledging to your self and each other to strengthen the feelings of love and to actively maintain the relationship. Commitment is what makes you want to be serious, have a serious relationship and promise to be there for the other person if things get tough.

Hujan

Hujan. Luar jendela. Dalam hati rasa turut hujan. Hirup nescafe sambil menulis. Rasa banyak nak diluahkan. Rasa banyak nak dikongsi. Tapi jari kaku menekan abjad-abjad. Cuma hati yang tahu. Hati yang sudah banyak menanggung suka, duka, ketawa dan rintihan.

Hati sebak. Rasa macam baru putus cinta. Jantung kencang. Rasa diri nak rebah; terduduk bermandikan hujan.

Aku rindu aku yang dahulu. Jasad ada, cuma hati yang hilang. Aku rindu kamu yang dulu. Yang sentiasa membawa hati ini jauh.

Aku tadah tangan ke luar jendela. Rasa titik-titik hujan di telapak tangan; renyai. Tapi yang di dalam hati rasa jauh lebih deras. Cuma aku dah tak mampu nak berair mata. Mungkin masih hipokrit kononnya gembira. Mungkin juga masih cuba untuk buat hati gembira.

Sampai bila hujan nak turun?

Di mana kamu, wahai si peminjam hati?

Coco Chanel: Once Upon A Time

Keira Knightley as Coco Chanel

Click the link below to view the new released Coco Chanel film by Karl Lagerfeld starring Keira Knightley.

Coco Chanel : Once Upon A Time

Source: www.vogue.co.uk

And I miss...

Realitinya, satu persatu makin jauh. Most of my best-friends either engaged or getting married or having a  baby.

Happy; sebab mereka dapat bina kehidupan baru. Dapat bina keluarga sendiri. Dapat kecapi kehidupan yang dirancang. Dapat meneruskan phase cinta yang seterusnya.

Sedih; sebab situasi berubah. Masa dan surroundings pun berubah. We are not as close as we were back then. Semua busy planning untuk receptions, hens nite, baby shower and kids birthday. Aku lupa yang people grow old. Sooner or later mereka ada keluarga sendiri dan mungkin tiada masa to entertain their choose-to-be-single male best-friend.

To them, masa sentiasa berjalan. But I am still stuck here mengharap benda yang surely never going to happen. Semua moving on. I moved on; except for that one particular part. Maybe I don't want to. I am  still living in my sweet few years back memories. Still hanging on to it. Pathetic bukan? Or perhaps terlalu setia.

Kadang-kadang rasa left out. Or conversations on their planning for the future lagi menarik dari cerita aku. Cemburu at times. But, aku tak pilih cara ini. Aku adalah ini. I am still trying to get used to the fact that one day, semua akan meninggalkan aku dan aku akan meninggalkan semua. Masa yang menentukan and aku tak ada kuasa untuk stop or hold the situations.

I miss the old bonding. I miss my best-friends.

I miss you.

Always have, always will.

To Die For: Chanel Spring/ Summer Lego Handbags 2013

Chanel Spring/ Summer Lego Handbags 2013

I Am Changing

Sekian lama...

Macam-macam jadi. I have gained something, I have lost something. I guess that is a normal circle in life, bukan? Nak compile semua dalam 1 post, memang mustahil. Besides there are a few things yang aku rasa masih belum bersedia untuk dikongsi. So, I just want to share the feeling I have at this particular moment.

Sungguh, lately aku rasa betul-betul nak berubah. At one point aku rasa macam "cukup-cukup lah tu". I admitted without hesitation, I am a mean person. Or at least that WAS who I am before. Hobi aku mengutuk orang and downgraded them. I talked about people behind their back. I look down on their abilities. I always thought I am much better then them. By looking down on them, aku rasa puas. But who am I kidding?

Sampai satu tahap, I think I am making a fool out of myself by doing all those mean thing. Konon, by doing all that boleh buat aku rasa lebih bagus in person. Hell no! In fact aku lagi merugikan masa dan fikiran aku dengan mencari masalah serta kekurangan orang lain, instead of perbaiki kekurangan dan selesaikan masalah aku sendiri. I hate that version of me!

Now, honestly, aku sedar. I don't want to be that person anymore. I should give people a chance to prove and to build themselves up. I should be there to help rather than to steal away their self esteem. I should have been there to tell the truth and be completely honest instead of making fun and talking bad things behind their back. I don't know about you. But I seriously don't want to be that person anymore.

"I am sorry to those who became my victims all of these days. I am truly sorry. I know I have been so mean with or without you knowing it. Again, I am sorry. I hope you could find a way to forgive me. Give me a chance to change. I know I can be better.

Sincerely; Me."

Soal Hati

Bila dah jadi macam ni, mula la kalut. Bila dah rasa tak mampu, mula la fikir I can live on my own. Konon I don't need anyone else but me, my family and my close friends. But as time goes by, mula la realized that I have been living in denial.

True bila cakap kita ada family yang menyayangi kita and friends who will always be there for us; Alhamdulillah. Persoalannya; cukupkah? There were times rasa sunyi datang. Rasa unwanted. Tengok sana sini holding hands. lovey dovey. Tipu kalau aku rasa tak cemburu. Tipu kalau aku rasa as if I don't need all of that. 

Nasib tak menyebelahi atau aku kurang usaha?

Everyone deserves to love and to be love. Fakta manusia semua nak ada rasa mencintai dan dicintai. Tapi nasib bercinta macam gamble. Atau aku terlalu berserah pada takdir; kononnya takdir bole jalankan segala kerja.

Someone told me that I have to look for it. Dia tak datang jatuh dari langit.

Or maybe I am still holding back. Menanti cinta yang lama berbuah kembali. Mungkin aku tak boleh tipu diri sendiri. Mungkin ini la dinamakan cinta sejati. Persoalan hati; tak terjawab atau tak cukup berani untuk menyatakan 'ya'.

Teacher's Day

16th May; the day to celebrate the teachers all over the world. I always wanted to be a teacher. 

Back when I was a kid, aku suka ajak my friends main cikgu-cikgu instead of main kejar-kejar. Mungkin masa kecil, most of us memang ada cita-cita untuk jadi cikgu since cikgu nampak macam cool. Well, they are cool actually. Siapa sanggup layan kerenah kids like us back then and kids nowadays yang lagi macam-macam hal.

Memories when I was in primary school macam tak banyak. I was busy back then dengan segala activities. In fact most teachers masa tu called me the busiest person in school. Reason; sebab semua pertandingan and semua aktiviti aku mesti nak involved. Konon nak menempa nama. Those teachers patiently ajar aku, trained aku without hesitation (I guess, tak tahu la kalau ada yang mengeluh keterpaksaan). But I still made good marks for my UPSR. So, thank you SKTT's teachers. 

Bila dah masuk high school slowly aku jadi kurang belajar. At the early years, still sibuk joined segala persatuan and activities. I guess I loved to be 'the known' student rather than 'the unknown'. As a result to those busy-ness and hecticness, aku tak dapat achieve result yang memberangsangkan. Kena marah dengan cikgu tu macam routine. Tapi not as bad as it may sound. I guess cikgu marah sebab sayang; kan? But I love my high school teachers. I hate some of them, but I love most of them. Especiall my Bahasa teacher; Puan Azizah. Tough one but approachable. She wasn't funny but I just love the way that she taught us to be a better Bahasa user. Sebab dia aku mula beminat dalam bidang penulisan and I always got good marks for karangan. So, thank you St. John's teachers. 

Time college aku memang pemalas. Dropped out from 2 colleges. Then masuk the last one pulak, datang college tapi tak masuk kelas. Assignments banyak pending up until aku dapat la carrymarks yang teruk. Repeat papers, repeat classes. Memang malas tak tahu nak explain macam mana. But I ended up graduated still. Dalam pada malas tu at the last years aku bucked up myself and tekad nak habiskan study jugak. So those lecturers patiently ajar aku, bagi extra attention and all. Ada jugak yang succeed buat aku menangis time presentation advertising sebab comments mereka yang bertalu-talu. Ended up, aku tak pun kerja in advertising or graphic line. But I've learned a lot. That's makes me who I am today, kan? So thank you lecturers/ teachers. 

Teachers play the important part dalam hidup semua individu, kan? So, today is one of the day we should appreciate them for those patience, responsibilities yang mereka berikan. Happy teacher's day!

Hari-hari Bercuti

Best bukan kalau gaji RM10k per month and tak banyak commitment?
Best bukan kalau sebulan, boss boleh bagi cuti 1 minggu?

Mimpilah....

Kalau betul dalam realiti aku macam tu, memang every month aku nak pergi vacation or melawat tempat-tempat yang belum pernah aku jejak selama ni.

Lately ni asyik nak fikir vacation saja. Kerja, kumpul duit then pergi la mana-mana. As for now, I am focusing on tempat-tempat di dalam negara tercinta ini sendiri. Went to Pulau Perhentian few months back. Then to Penang last month. This month end mungkin ke Cameron saja. And all of the plans started already for the next year trip to Redang, Mabul and other places. Insyallah kalau diizinkan Allah; panjang umur and murah rezeki.

The best thing is bila boss offered me for a trip to Korea some time next year. Bertuah kan? Well, after aku terpaksa skipped the Indonesia and London tour memang lah rasa bertuah diberi offer sebegini. Anyway, lets hope tak ada halangan.

It feels like hari-hari nak berjalan dan bercuti. In order to get that one day, I guess I have to work extra hard la kan? As for now, kena la hadap bekerja siang malam bermati-matian untuk semua itu.

Another Year Come To An End

Masa cepat saja berlalu. Rasa macam baru semalam celebrate hari kelahiran. And now, it is close to another year of getting older.

2011... I lost a lot, yet I gained a lot.

2011... I've learnt a lot.

2011... I've understand a lot.

2011... I've cried a lot.. (A LOT), but I laughed more.

2011... There will be tons of things I am going to miss.

2011... There also will be things I won't regret of letting go.

2011... There will be some people that I am going to miss.

2011... Yet, there are some new people that I gladly met.

There are still much time to achieve things. Years and years will passing us by. Selagi masih hidup, selagi itu usaha masih mampu dorong kita kecapi impian. Insyallah.

Lomo Trial: Part 1

Photos were taken using Lomography Action Sampler lomo camera.

We Are All A Bunch Of Hypocrites

Agree? Well, it makes you one if you even try to deny it.

Previously, I was trying so hard to convince myself that I am not a hypocrite person, I never want to be that person. Keep telling how much I hate those hypocrite people. But we are all living in hypocritical surroundings and meet hypocrite people every single day.

One day you say this, the next day you'll say something else. Today you agree but tomorrow you'll be against it. Right now you're all into it, but on the next minute you are so turn off by it.

When one person say this and we agree and then come the next person who have way the opposite opinion and we agree to it too; how hypocrite are we? When we used to have this strong principal of certain things in life and one day someone just snatch it away and make us believe on a different things we usually don't believe in; how hypocrite can we be?

At the end of the day, we're all just a bunch of hypocrite who just want to fit in. Who really want to be in a safer situation; a majority.