And I miss...

Realitinya, satu persatu makin jauh. Most of my best-friends either engaged or getting married or having a  baby.

Happy; sebab mereka dapat bina kehidupan baru. Dapat bina keluarga sendiri. Dapat kecapi kehidupan yang dirancang. Dapat meneruskan phase cinta yang seterusnya.

Sedih; sebab situasi berubah. Masa dan surroundings pun berubah. We are not as close as we were back then. Semua busy planning untuk receptions, hens nite, baby shower and kids birthday. Aku lupa yang people grow old. Sooner or later mereka ada keluarga sendiri dan mungkin tiada masa to entertain their choose-to-be-single male best-friend.

To them, masa sentiasa berjalan. But I am still stuck here mengharap benda yang surely never going to happen. Semua moving on. I moved on; except for that one particular part. Maybe I don't want to. I am  still living in my sweet few years back memories. Still hanging on to it. Pathetic bukan? Or perhaps terlalu setia.

Kadang-kadang rasa left out. Or conversations on their planning for the future lagi menarik dari cerita aku. Cemburu at times. But, aku tak pilih cara ini. Aku adalah ini. I am still trying to get used to the fact that one day, semua akan meninggalkan aku dan aku akan meninggalkan semua. Masa yang menentukan and aku tak ada kuasa untuk stop or hold the situations.

I miss the old bonding. I miss my best-friends.

I miss you.

Always have, always will.

To Die For: Chanel Spring/ Summer Lego Handbags 2013

Chanel Spring/ Summer Lego Handbags 2013

I Am Changing

Sekian lama...

Macam-macam jadi. I have gained something, I have lost something. I guess that is a normal circle in life, bukan? Nak compile semua dalam 1 post, memang mustahil. Besides there are a few things yang aku rasa masih belum bersedia untuk dikongsi. So, I just want to share the feeling I have at this particular moment.

Sungguh, lately aku rasa betul-betul nak berubah. At one point aku rasa macam "cukup-cukup lah tu". I admitted without hesitation, I am a mean person. Or at least that WAS who I am before. Hobi aku mengutuk orang and downgraded them. I talked about people behind their back. I look down on their abilities. I always thought I am much better then them. By looking down on them, aku rasa puas. But who am I kidding?

Sampai satu tahap, I think I am making a fool out of myself by doing all those mean thing. Konon, by doing all that boleh buat aku rasa lebih bagus in person. Hell no! In fact aku lagi merugikan masa dan fikiran aku dengan mencari masalah serta kekurangan orang lain, instead of perbaiki kekurangan dan selesaikan masalah aku sendiri. I hate that version of me!

Now, honestly, aku sedar. I don't want to be that person anymore. I should give people a chance to prove and to build themselves up. I should be there to help rather than to steal away their self esteem. I should have been there to tell the truth and be completely honest instead of making fun and talking bad things behind their back. I don't know about you. But I seriously don't want to be that person anymore.

"I am sorry to those who became my victims all of these days. I am truly sorry. I know I have been so mean with or without you knowing it. Again, I am sorry. I hope you could find a way to forgive me. Give me a chance to change. I know I can be better.

Sincerely; Me."

Soal Hati

Bila dah jadi macam ni, mula la kalut. Bila dah rasa tak mampu, mula la fikir I can live on my own. Konon I don't need anyone else but me, my family and my close friends. But as time goes by, mula la realized that I have been living in denial.

True bila cakap kita ada family yang menyayangi kita and friends who will always be there for us; Alhamdulillah. Persoalannya; cukupkah? There were times rasa sunyi datang. Rasa unwanted. Tengok sana sini holding hands. lovey dovey. Tipu kalau aku rasa tak cemburu. Tipu kalau aku rasa as if I don't need all of that. 

Nasib tak menyebelahi atau aku kurang usaha?

Everyone deserves to love and to be love. Fakta manusia semua nak ada rasa mencintai dan dicintai. Tapi nasib bercinta macam gamble. Atau aku terlalu berserah pada takdir; kononnya takdir bole jalankan segala kerja.

Someone told me that I have to look for it. Dia tak datang jatuh dari langit.

Or maybe I am still holding back. Menanti cinta yang lama berbuah kembali. Mungkin aku tak boleh tipu diri sendiri. Mungkin ini la dinamakan cinta sejati. Persoalan hati; tak terjawab atau tak cukup berani untuk menyatakan 'ya'.

Teacher's Day

16th May; the day to celebrate the teachers all over the world. I always wanted to be a teacher. 

Back when I was a kid, aku suka ajak my friends main cikgu-cikgu instead of main kejar-kejar. Mungkin masa kecil, most of us memang ada cita-cita untuk jadi cikgu since cikgu nampak macam cool. Well, they are cool actually. Siapa sanggup layan kerenah kids like us back then and kids nowadays yang lagi macam-macam hal.

Memories when I was in primary school macam tak banyak. I was busy back then dengan segala activities. In fact most teachers masa tu called me the busiest person in school. Reason; sebab semua pertandingan and semua aktiviti aku mesti nak involved. Konon nak menempa nama. Those teachers patiently ajar aku, trained aku without hesitation (I guess, tak tahu la kalau ada yang mengeluh keterpaksaan). But I still made good marks for my UPSR. So, thank you SKTT's teachers. 

Bila dah masuk high school slowly aku jadi kurang belajar. At the early years, still sibuk joined segala persatuan and activities. I guess I loved to be 'the known' student rather than 'the unknown'. As a result to those busy-ness and hecticness, aku tak dapat achieve result yang memberangsangkan. Kena marah dengan cikgu tu macam routine. Tapi not as bad as it may sound. I guess cikgu marah sebab sayang; kan? But I love my high school teachers. I hate some of them, but I love most of them. Especiall my Bahasa teacher; Puan Azizah. Tough one but approachable. She wasn't funny but I just love the way that she taught us to be a better Bahasa user. Sebab dia aku mula beminat dalam bidang penulisan and I always got good marks for karangan. So, thank you St. John's teachers. 

Time college aku memang pemalas. Dropped out from 2 colleges. Then masuk the last one pulak, datang college tapi tak masuk kelas. Assignments banyak pending up until aku dapat la carrymarks yang teruk. Repeat papers, repeat classes. Memang malas tak tahu nak explain macam mana. But I ended up graduated still. Dalam pada malas tu at the last years aku bucked up myself and tekad nak habiskan study jugak. So those lecturers patiently ajar aku, bagi extra attention and all. Ada jugak yang succeed buat aku menangis time presentation advertising sebab comments mereka yang bertalu-talu. Ended up, aku tak pun kerja in advertising or graphic line. But I've learned a lot. That's makes me who I am today, kan? So thank you lecturers/ teachers. 

Teachers play the important part dalam hidup semua individu, kan? So, today is one of the day we should appreciate them for those patience, responsibilities yang mereka berikan. Happy teacher's day!